Loss

I tried to forget, I failed. I tried to remember, thinking that over-thinking will make me bored and force me to forget....I failed. I tried once again to forget and failed yet again. Now I'm at a loss, loss of ideas, thoughts, words. Can't hold on, can't let go. I'm angry with you, but even more at myself. I say that it's your loss, but the loss is truly mine.

Remember you/ Remember me

 Fragments are all I remember

Fragments are what I have left.

The last time we talked

The last time I saw your face

The last time we kissed

I barely recall.

I saw you standing at the pier

I see me standing on a bridge

Our eyes meet for the briefest of moments

And it's déjà vu all over again.

I'll let you go tomorrow

Stay with me tonight.

Pieces of you and me

Remnants of yesterday.

Words spoken and unspoken

Butterflies, fantasies and lost tears

All part of the same puzzle

Whose parts I seem to have misplaced.

Ignorance is Bliss???

It's been a while I've written..it's been a while I've made time to breathe. Completely been caught up in mundane activities thereby depriving my soul. Kept myself busy, distracted  and unfulfilled. 

Was talking to a friend about stuff, and all of a sudden the truth hit me. I said, " Ignorance is bliss". I do believe that now. A year ago I had short term plans/goals. I have always been a firm believer in setting goals. For some reason cannot set long term ones but always set six/twelve monthly goals and actions to achieve them. 

Last year I set goals of becoming a manager of a small branch, and then to move on to a medium sized branch by July this year, all of which I achieved. I also set myself a goal to become a manager of a large sized branch after 18 months i.e. by February 2014.

I'm not too sure anymore. An experience changed me and is drawing me towards making some life changes. I want to put a stop to goal setting and achieving on the career front. I'm tending towards living a dream now. 

They say change is the only constant in life. I'm experiencing this firsthand. I have changed, my path is changing. I'm not sure whether it's for the better or not. I wish I was in the dark, I wish I was unaware how clueless I was. Now, I'm aware. Hence, ignorance is truly bliss in my case. Everything is different. I am lost, I have no passion left. I wish I had the courage to embrace this cluelessness and forge ahead. I wish I find the courage to take this risk.

Want

Today I progressed. I deleted the notes we wrote. I deleted the hopes we shared. I deleted it all. I want new notes, I want new hopes. I want things to be easy. I want everything my way. Sick of hanging on. Want to let go. I want a fresh start. I want a new adventure. I want to forget and yet I have some amazing memories which I can't afford to forget. I want it all and I want it now.

Leap of faith

I sit here and think of all the times I've taken a chance, a risk and not many instances come to mind. I wonder why as I always have been unconventional, unrestrained by norms. I've hated boundaries and have hardly ever stuck to them. Why then have I hardly taken the plunge?


It could perhaps be because I've hardly ever had someone take a chance on me. I've had to work for everything, never got anything for free. I may have had some success in overcoming obstacles, but I still have earned every ounce of my achievement. Success in your professional life has very little to do with success in your personal life and vice versa. I consider myself to be quite successful when it comes to my career. However, on the personal front, not so much. I guess I put too much of myself into work and don't play enough. Most of my risks have been in my professional life and they've worked out. On the other hand, I treat my personal life with caution. The few times I've taken a risk in that department, I've been snubbed. Now, I'm totally out of my comfort zone if I'm asked to take a risk. Recently I took one which didn't work out too well for me. Question is, should I stop while I'm ahead or throw caution to the wind? I'm waiting for someone to take that leap of faith for me, before I jump.

Breaking Point

Worlds colliding
Pulling me apart,
No common ground left.
Always drifting, 
Always searching,
I find no satisfaction 
In any zone.
Fulfillment is non-existent.
Don't know when I've reached a summit
Don't know when to stop.


I don't like complicated.
I'm persistent 
In reaching my goals.
Every goal now seems contradictory,
Every voice seems critical.
Never having cared for approval
In the past,
This feeling, I can't handle.
Tired of fighting
Now hear me scream.

I want to break free

Lately life seems to be at a standstill. My friends are growing up, doing the responsible adult things, getting engaged or married, having babies, buying properties etc. I, on the other hand, seem to be regressing back into my teenage years. I still cringe at the thought of husbands, babies, basically any sort of commitment. The only thing I want to plan for is my weekend! In retrospect, I'm glad that this is the only thing I need to plan for at this stage. Even though the monotony can sometimes be a drainer, that definitely is the lesser evil.

Someone recently said to me that women yearn for drama in their lives, and when we don't get enough of it, we create a situation where drama is inevitable. I disagree. I believe women have too many things on their mind, hence we don't need to create a situation. Drama, may simply arise as a direct consequence of us multi-tasking and the rest of the world ( AKA our male counterparts )not being able to keep up with our pace. Then of course, it was a man who claimed women crave drama!

For now, all I want is to live without the pressures of responsibilities and expectations, to explore avenues without being constricted, all I want is sweet freedom.

To New Beginnings

A few years ago I decided to shut myself from the world. Held on to the handful of friends I already had, made cautious and sensible choices. I was a Miss Goody-Two-Shoes to the world. It's taken me quite a few years to wake up and realize that the only person who missed out was me.  I've finally opened my eyes to all that's waiting to be explored by me.

Now I choose to live life with a bit more reckless abandon. Still somewhat cautious, but less serious about life. Still making sensible choices, but this time basing them on intuition as well as logic. I don't regret any of my decisions in the past, they've made me the person I am today. I guess I needed to take that time to shut myself in, I guess I wasn't completely ready to let go. Don't know if I'll ever be at the stage where I'll completely let go, but at least I'll make an effort to do things differently. I'll make an effort to put myself out there and enjoy all of life's fragrances and flavours. I'm so glad to begin this new chapter.

All or nothing

The problem I have is that I can't seem to pick anything in the middle. It's got to be extremes. I've either wanted it all, and if I couldn't have it all I'd do without. I often wonder if that's the correct approach  but just can't seem to change. I fail to understand how one simply settles. Perhaps that's the reason I'm not relationship material. Even in my friendships I am the same. I'm either attached or cold. Same with my career. It's either failure and move on, or success. Mediocrity doesn't exist in my world, at least I've never stood for it. Perhaps one day I will get used to rejection, failure, and mediocre will suffice. Today, enough, simply doesn't exist in my vocabulary. I choose to fall, bruise, and get up. I'm the most stubborn person I know. For now, I'll have it all.

No regrets

The day we truly discover what we want will be the day of enlightenment. The day I uncover what fulfills me will be the day I will finally stop and breathe. The day I find my home will be the day I settle. I am wandering now, yet seem static. Fumbling, searching, restless and sleepless. Seems as though I'm on this endless quest and each day propels me in the opposite direction from where I thought I wanted to be. There's some sort of a magnetic push towards the unknown. I have always been one to follow my head. Logic preceded everything. Lately I find myself giving into intuition, something illogical which seems to be working for me as well. Maybe it's encouraging me to follow my heart from here onwards. Perhaps it's time for a change, time to lose my inhibitions. There are no limits, they only exist in my mind. It's time for a change, time to let go, time to live. No regrets, right?

How my holiday changed my life

My holiday changed my life. I learnt a lot about the person I am and the person I have potential to be. It taught me to live life, no holds barred.

You see, all my life I've thought I was a city girl. I live in the suburbs, I've always hated the suburbs. My favorite pastime on the weekends was to take the train into Melbourne CBD, walk down Swanston Street and step into a Starbucks to order a) a Grande Mocha or b) a Grande Mocha Frappaccino (depending on the weather). Then I'd walk towards Bourke Street Mall. Shopping in the city, whether at the mall or at the quirky stores down Flinders Lane made my weekend. I enjoyed soaking it all up, the tall buildings, the interesting cafes, the buskers, all of it. I could have simply stood amidst the hustle and bustle of the crossing at Flinders Street Station and have had a massive grin for hours at end. ( I never really did that last bit).

Anyway, coming back to my holiday and the reason it changed my life etc. I realised I enjoyed climbing uphill a glacier more than a shopping spree. I preferred walking on mountain slopes in knee-deep ice to a visit to a bag/ shoe store. I struggled, I grumbled, but when I made it to the top I felt this deep sense of accomplishment which definitely superseded any bargain I have ever picked up. People who know me have been shocked by this disclosure (I have a weakness for bags and shoes). Also, I have been known to hate strenuous physical activity.

I had never been camping as I'd never thought of myself to be someone to rough it out. My first time camping was in Antarctica on the ice. I climbed up this slope where the view was something beyond imagination. It was an out of body experience, I felt that I wasn't there even though I was. I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I took a video of the view that night, and even though a video will never do justice to the sight I had witnessed, that video takes me to my happy place.

The fact that I love the outdoors was re-iterated once again in Iguazu. The walk to the falls in Argentina was pretty strenuous. I was surprised by how pumped up I was even while I watched other members of my travel group struggle. What can I say about Iguazu? It's strange how the waterfall compares from the Argentinian and the Brazilian side. In Argentina, to me it seemed raw, forceful, powerful. It was the epitome of masculinity. The walk to the falls in Brazil was a breeze, no effort whatsoever. The view was absolutely breathtaking, so picturesque. It was femininity to the absolute core. The falls here seemed open, vulnerable, strong. It stripped me of every vestige of emotion I had been holding onto. I felt at peace.

I remember studying about the Amazon Rainforest in school. I had never imagined I'd be experiencing walking through this vast, dense jungle firsthand. Daily activities involved boat trips before sunrise and after sunset in search of birds, fish and wildlife. But my favorite part of the day was at 10 a.m. when we'd set foot into the forest. We had no trails to follow, we completely relied on local guides. The 2 hour walk through the jungle was the highlight of my day.

I did shop on my holiday. I visited beaches, drank cocktails, discovered art and history. But my soul belonged in the outdoors. I have never thought of any country as home. Perhaps The Great Outdoors is where I belong, that may be my true home.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Thought I'd write about the age old adage 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. Women are more intuitive than men, whereas men are more logical compared to them. Women generally are right-brained, while men tend to be left-brained. Scientists have somewhere in the past come to this conclusion based on facts, figures and experimental observation. Of course every woman or man cannot be categorized under this stereotype, and exceptions do exist. Again, women and men may use both sides of their brain, but one may use one side more dominantly compared to the other. I am no scientist. However, I do know that what a man sees of a situation is very different from what a woman makes of it. Again logic versus intuition. I  once had a very interesting conversation with a male friend, or at least I thought he was a friend. He said , "I don't think men and women can ever be just friends." When I asked him to clarify he gave me examples of mutual acquaintances and friends. His statement was based on events. I nodded along during his monologue. When he finished, I looked at him strangely and said, " Well, you've explained why you believe men and women cannot be just friends. In that case, what about us. We're just friends and that works. Are we the exception to your belief? " All I got in return  was a shrug. Over the years we've remained just friends but I must say have drifted apart. There was never any chemistry, our relationship was only platonic. So I guess I proved him wrong. However, he never admitted I was right. Friendship is one of the least complex relationships. How can we not agree on this one? 

The World as we know it

Children dying, people crying
Poverty, war,
Disasters, both natural and man-made
Shattering, destroying
The Earth that was.

Self-destruction, suicide
Depression, cheating and debauchery
Broken families
Drugs and alcoholism
The refuge of the modern world.


Where are you Gabriel?
When is salvation due?
Lucifer is on the brink of a victory
Rescue our world
Save us from this ordeal, won't you?

Writer's block?

I recently returned from a trip of a lifetime, from a place I had only ever dreamt of visiting. Before I left for the trip, I was asked to carry a journal and record my sightings. I didn't think about that for the first few days. Somewhere, mid-journey I decided to write. I was surprised to find how difficult it was getting a few lines on a sheet of paper. Those who know me would have been surprised too to find me struggling with words (I am not one to hold back when it comes to putting my thoughts on paper). I hadn't expected it to be that hard really as what I wanted to write about was based on fact, on reality, on things I had actually seen. Perhaps it was some kind of writer's block I was suffering from back then. I could see things but not convert them into words. A part of me thought ( and still thinks) that maybe putting it into words was degrading the experience and somehow reducing the enormity of it. I did manage to fill a sheet with words, but they weren't words from my soul. They were simply words. Words, that didn't give away anything I had seen. Words, that couldn't even begin to pierce through the depths of my world back there. I attempted writing again a few days later. This time barely got half a page filled. I'm still struggling to put my experiences from that world into words. Like I said, I guess I still believe words will reduce and even perhaps pollute and diminish my journey. That trip was surreal. That trip was indescribable. That trip cannot be reduced to mere words.

Finally started blogging

A friend asked me ages ago to create a blog. My reply was, "One day, when I have time." I used the age-old excuse. The one where you never have enough hours in a day to do all the things you want to. The truth is we all have enough time in the day, just that we don't see the value in making an effort to get things done. Prioritisation has always been an essential part of life. That's why we have "To do lists". Not to remember what we need to complete, but instead to numerically organize the tasks at hand. Pity, often the most difficult which should be listed at the top gets pushed to the end of the list! Such is human nature, the things which are the hardest get done at the end. Ironic, as these are the ones which make the most impact on our lives. Well, at least I got to it eventually. No more procrastinating....at least when it comes to blogging. The rest may have to wait.